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I'm supposed to sort my problems into neat little folders. It's supposed to help me handle them better so they don't seem so overwhelming and make me stress out too much and lose sight of the bigger picture.
Or so Steve tells me.
And really, I have to admit, he does make a lot of sense. I guess I do tend to look at a problem and immediately panic and think "Omigod-this-sucks-what-should-I-do-did-I-mention-this-sucks?" until suddenly the problem's a whole lot bigger than it should be, or ever was. Ugh.
So anyways. Here we are. Let's divvy up my life into folders, shall we?
C:\Cindy's
Life\Problems
->Dan
* I'm half in love with this ideal already, since on the surface he appears
to be everything I've been looking for to start up a new relationship,
but in reality I barely really know this guy. But how in the hell
do you rid yourself of an ideal you're already falling in love with?
Because it's your ideal, and it's all in your mind, it's so much tougher
to dissolve than something external. God, I had this problem years
ago and I thought I was done and over with it... this time I know what
my problem is, but it isn't helping much.
* Right now, this is taking up the most of my concentration... and my heartache...
God, I am so idealistic. Why the hell did I even expect Dan would
want an exclusive, long-distance, long-term relationship with me when he
barely hung out with me for 24 hours?
->Academics
* I missed almost the entire week of French classes this
week, missing our fourth quiz as well as both rewrites of our compositions.
Man, I feel more guilty about facing Sophie tomorrow for our last day of
class than I do about actually missing the damn classes. I hate to
let people down, and I feel like I've probably let Sophie down by plummeting
my grade so far the last week of classes.
* I know I can do better than this. Ever since midterms, I've skipped
lectures like crazy and I'm soooo behind on my reading now, I'm probably
not going to finish it all by the time all my finals are due. I need
to do so much better than this, if not to raise my GPA for grad school,
than because of financial aid... if I drop any lower, I think I could forfeit
the grants I'm getting now.
* I am so disappointed in myself for doing so poorly, yet
at the same time, I have barely enough motivation to get out of bed every
morning and go to class.
* I left one of my books behind on the bus. The last week before
finals too... Gads. How much dumber can someone get?
->Health
* Mom was concerned over Thanksgiving break because I looked so poorly.
Normally, I might not take it too seriously, mothers being mothers, but
Bob [what we call our father, for some reason or another, instead of "Dad"]
said something too, something like I'm too skinny. And Bob's so laconic
and never says anything unless it's really noticeable, so for him to mention
it means it really is noticeable. I know I haven't been as healthy
lately as I was maybe a few months ago, when I was still trying to work
out regularly, but I didn't realize I had slipped so far.
* My eyesight too, is not getting better... it's getting worse... and noticeably
faster too...
->Money
* With the equestrian team, I'm draining my resources so much faster.
I didn't realize how much until I balanced my checkbook today, doing all
the bills. So far I'm still all right, I'm within my budget, but
I'll have to go back to watching what kinda shit I'm spending money on
again. "Starving college student" I'm not, but I ain't exactly Richie
Rich either.
->Roy
* I'm a little disgruntled at him. Just because I'm not the woman
he's looking for doesn't mean he still can't talk to me as a friend, dang
it. Pfbt.[that's, btw, the sound of a raspberry... or one of these
-->:P]
->#triv
* All right, all right, so listing something Net-related as one of my life's
problems is pathetic. Actually, that makes me think of another one,
but first things first. I cannot keep up the breakneck pace M|SS|ON
is setting in his very determined effort to kick me out of
the all-time #1 spot. Argh.
->Internet
* I'm addicted to the Internet. I know it. I quit that month
or so last winter quarter when I was living with Dan, Kevin, and Jack,
but that was like the longest period of time I'd gone without being on
the Internet practically every damn day of the week. It's ruining
my grades, my health, my eyesight, the delicately constructed social life
I've built over the past few months. Hrm.
* Actually I think I'm just addicted to stuff on the Internet. If
it isn't a MUD, it's an IRC channel, or an online game, or something that
sparks my competitive streak and forces me to waste long hours online trying
to beat everyone else at a game I simply have no skill for.
Except for maybe trivia.
->Loose Ends
* Cleaning up the apartment. It's utterly trashed since Lesley's
had her projects due this week, and we've both been too tired and too busy
to clean up.
* Getting better riding lessons. Claudia sucks. Sandra's awesome.
Why Sandra had to get Claudia, a complete and utter superficial ditz who
totally fits the cheerleader stereotype (she was one in high school), for
an assistant I do not have a fucking clue.
* Preparing for graduation.
* Preparing for grad school... if I do make it into one that offers an
excellent creative writing program.
* Selling those bestsellers and making a living off writing
* Finding Mr. Right.
* Saving enough money for the kids' college funds
... all right, now we're just getting ahead of ourselves. And glancing over "my life's problems," they seem rather typical of a 19 yr old girl living the whimsical carefree college life of a 3rd year student on financial aid and her parents' wallets.
Gah. I still remember "spoiled."