|
|
So I finally finished my website and sent the URL out to my friends and stuff. You know, I'd thought it'd be easy, opening myself up like that... but there were a couple moments after I showed the website to a few friends that I realized I was a little nervous. I guess baring your soul for the world to see really isn't as easy as I pretended it'd be.
I feel so wide awake and alert right now, which is surprising, considering how little and fitful my sleep was last night. Damn essay. Hate 'em. No matter how many I write, it never gets easier or less tedious. Roy came over tonight; we were going to play tennis, but he had a harder workout than expected and we just had dinner at Rubio's instead. I think I really wanted someone to hold me tonight, 'cuz I didn't want him to leave, or I wanted to go home with him. It's been a while since I've felt that needy.
Mm, I should really try and do someting about that possessive streak of mine, too. While I know I'm not anywhere near Roy's ideal -- and he doesn't fit my ideal either -- I still get flashes of jealousy when he talks about other women. I guess a lot of it stems from that deep-rooted traditionalist in me that goes, "If I'm fucking him, he's mine," yet on the other hand I know it's irrational. I know what he wants in a woman, and it ain't me. I know what I want in a guy, and it ain't him. It's almost comical somehow.
Someone sent me a Pimpin' Cupid greeting. How it works is, you make up a list of people you're interested in -- lust after, have a crush on, whatever. A message is sent out to all those people on your list, and if they sign up and make their own list and you happen to be on their list, it's a match. I've seen this website before -- it's on the same site that Henry sent me the URL for that purity/sex test... except I know for a fact that Henry isn't interested in me. ...
Andy says Henry thinks he'll marry Dyana. I'm not sure when Henry decided this, but I'm pretty sure he's still trying to pick up chicks. Gawd. Seriously, it'd be interesting to see how his marriage goes, except I feel sorry for Dyana. She seemed too sweet to deserve someone like Henry. "Children will make me monogamous..." Shyeesh. That's probably like the most fucked up piece of logic I've heard from Henry yet.
...
Actually, I decided I'm not going to push anything in terms of establishing a relationsihp with someone, whether it'd be Ken or Paul or whoever. I've got too much I should be worrying about, a relationship's the last thing I need. I need to graduate on time, pull up that dismal 2.5 GPA, pass the GRE's with flying clors, and get accepted into Columbia University's graduate program in creative writing. All within the next 2 years. I really don't have any time to be worrying about my love life. Though yes, a boyfriend again might be nice.
Deciding to leave things alone in my relationship arena has lightened my approach to guys, though. I'm not worrying so much... neat trick, huh? Now if only I can try and do that for every single superfluous thing I worry about.
I guess for a while there I was just looking too hard for someone to be with. The personal ad I posted didn't generate a whole lot of quality responses, which was kind of disappointing. And on top of me searching, there's the fact that I'm not even sure if or when I'll be ready to be with someone seriously.
Some website told me I have a hard time separating lust from love. Been thinking, I think the damn machine's right. I crave affection in both the physical and emotional sense. So I'm driven to reach out for it, even if I'm not in the right mental state to give myself to a serious relationship. I feel better knowing why I keep trying to attach myself to someone. Now that I recognize the why, I can stop myself from getting too involved and winding up hurting somebody again.
I just wish I know when I'll be ready, ya know? With the right person at the right time, it can be so good... sigh. Patience was never one of my strong suits.