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Well, I went and blew it. I slept with Todd Sunday night and, surprise surprise, he's already called me and even running errands for me like a good boyfriend.
God. What in the world am I going to do now? No matter what I say or do, he just doesn't get it. I don't want or need a relationship with him, and now me actually breaking down and having sex with him has probably convinced him 100% that subconsciously I do want him, and now he'll never leave me alone. Why couldn't I hold onto my control for just 10 minutes on Sunday and just gotten the hell outta there? Hell, the fuck wasn't even worth all the damage i just did to my campaign to remain "just friends" with Todd. ...
I don't know... I'm enjoying the relationship I have with Roy already -- straightforward physical enjoyment with no emotional attachment. If all my relationships with the guys I know now are like that right now, life would definitely be so much less complicated. As it is, I'm still trying to figure out if Ken's interested in dating me, and how to remain "just friends" with Paul now that Ken's semi in the picture. Not to mention Todd. God, I think I've really fucked it up big time again.
And then there's the issue of sex. I can hardly believe I slept with two different guys on the same weekend. I mean, I never thought I'd be able to do that. A few months ago, I was even wrestling with the question of whether I was capable of having a one-night stand. I guess Sunday basically answered that question for me. I don't love Todd, and I don't see myself loving him any time soon. I don't need a guy to spoil me -- which is exactly what Todd does, better than anyone else I know. And there are so many tiny things about him that turn me off. I think I'd go with Roy before I'd go with Todd.
I'm beginning to see why Roy doesn't want to sleep with too many people before he gets married though. I'm still a little amazed... starting with Wes in June, I've been with 3 guys in a 4-month period. I never thought I'd do that too. Deep down, yes I'm proud of myself, proud that I've knocked down enough inhibitions to go get what I want -- or something like that, since I'm rarely the aggressor. On the other hand, the term "slut" comes to mind.
Yet what is wrong with enjoying sex? With Wes, I had hoped it'd be more than just sex, but seeing as he hasn't contacted me in over two months, it looks like that's what it was. There is really nothing terribly wrong in enjoying sex and going out and having it as long as it's safe, no matter how many partners you go through. It's sex after marriage that becomes an issue -- no, I'd never cheat on my husband. I've seen firsthand how utterly devastating to one's mental health infidelity can be.
So am I enjoying sex, or just rationalizing promiscuity?