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So. I'm back in San Diego. Sigh, and omigod but I miss Wes. I keep waiting for it to wear off, like it did with Paul. It's still too soon, I know.
Sigh. So what happened?
I keep thinking back to that last night... God I knew something like that was gonna happen, where we'd be like wary and distant all week and then come together at the last minute because it'd be our last chance. Dammit, why couldn't it have happened sooner? Admittedly, my goddamned period came Sunday night/Monday morning and that threw a wrench into the whole romantic works, but still. He felt so damned good, and I can't take my mind off of how good he felt. It was only a couple hours and it seems so dreamlike right now, but I can still remember vividly how incredibly wonderful he felt.
I don't think we're meant to be together. I'm not sure why I feel that way... God knows that this infatuation went far enough that I'd think that maybe something serious could come of it, but he doesn't feel like... well, I hate to sound corny... but ya know, "The One." I mean, we get along great, and I really care for him... but I'm not sure it's enough.
...
What sucks is, I know I can't ask him to do anything major, or expect it of him now. Like move out here instead of to Atlanta. Because if things don't work out, then I would be so guilt-ridden that I asked him to give up so much for something that failed. Why am I being so pessimistic? Or realistic? Or whatever? He liked my naivete. This analytical stuff is far from naive. And if I'm capable of it at this point, then I'm not fully in love with him.
Well hell, he's not in love with me either anyways. I was half-afraid that I'd do something stupid and blurt out "I love you" after we made love, or something sentimental and dumb like that. Even though I've wanted to say it, and I have mentally said it over and over again, I can't say it out loud to him until I know for sure that I am. He carries the same sentiments about saying the words, I think, 'cause he's said before that love takes a long time to come to him.
At this point, I don't know if I want him to love me. Okay, yes I do want him to. But I don't either 'cause I don't want to hurt him, and to hurt him would hurt me far more than it did to hurt Todd or Paul. God I'm so confused.
He felt so damned good.
I would be perfectly willing to enter a serious relationship with him but with both of us just enjoying the moment -- knowing that it might not last and not expecting anything from either of us except happiness in being with each other for the moment. Enjoying each day as it comes, and not planning for the next, not expecting anything from tomorrow. But I'm not sure he'd be willing to do that. He's nearing the point in his life where he's getting ready to settle. I mean, his friends are mostly settled, and he's said before that he didn't want to start having kids late in life. He wants to be young enough to be there for his kids. Then again, he seemed pretty easy wiith the idea of just dating and waiting for the right one to come along too. How confusing, all this stuff.
Of course, knowing me, if anything serious did happen, I'd be the first one to want something more. God.