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I was reading my journal of over a year ago, the one I submitted to Lust In Space. The emotions that I jotted down then in a fit of frustration seemed so distant, even though I know that what I had been feeling must have been intense. So does the whole episode with Randall and the roleplaying. I mean, I know I must've really hurt -- but I can't feel that same passion anymore.
I'm not sure if it should scare me. I know I'm capable of that passion now, and it's gratifying to know that I can offer someone that. But at the same time, it seems like it's been a long time since I've been able to awaken that kind of passion in me again. Paul was a crush, a rebound. Todd was simply feeling good by flattery. What about Wes? I don't know. Not yet.
I guess in a big way that's why I'm looking forward to this St. Louis trip so much. I want answers.
I'm not really sure where this recent rootless and restless feeling in me has come from. I want to belong -- but to what? I feel like an outsider again, watching and waiting and hoping that maybe someone will ask me to join in their game. Yet at the same time, I feel superior to their "games." Lisa asked me last night if I had finally started to like college. I didn't know what to tell her. Was I ever "in" college in the first place? I came down to San Diego for Andy, not for UCSD.
I don't ever hesitate when I say I have many regrets about my relationship with Andy. There are many things I wish I could've taken back. He says he remembers the good times, and I'm happy that he can. For me, the bad seems to outweigh the good. I can remember feeling good about him and about our relationship, but that seems so long ago.
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Yesterday Lisa asked me if I knew what I was going to do with my life. I thought I knew, but now I'm not so sure. What will I do with a literature degree? Teach? I know I want to write, but I'm not even sure what I can write besides half-finished stories and plots to novels that might never be written.
Am I being pessimistic? I try so hard to be optimistic, in a world where it seems like pessimism is the "cool" thing to do. All these negative feelings -- that's why the world's all fucked up.
I miss Wes. I still think I'm always going to be in this perpetual state of "searching" where I'll be more in love with the idea of being in love than actually being in love. Ya know? It kinda sucks. I thought I knew what love was when I met Randall, I thought I had found it again with Andy. But one was a dream, the other was security. At this point, I just want to be loved without me having to love them back in return. Selfish, I know -- but I'm too skittish about being tied down. At any rate, knowing me, I'll be "obligated" to love the next person who declares his undying love for me anyways.
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I have too many fears, I think. I hate being such a wuss. On the one hand, it seems "feminine" to be afraid of spiders and bugs and death and heights and pain... on the other hand, it's being such a goddamned wuss. I try to look strong, but every time I seem to fool someone into believing it, I feel like a fake. Because I am definitely not strong enough to be considered a strongly-willed person.
I miss Wes. I think that's why I've been so rootless -- I miss talking to him. I miss his voice too -- I wonder how different his "phone voice" is from his "real voice." However different it is, it's probably still as sexy as his phone voice... that's another thing I miss, just his laugh and cheerful easy-going self. I don't even really know him. I mean, if you asked me what kind of person he was, I would simply say "he's nice." Because that's the first thing that comes to mind! I wish I could describe him in more specific and flattering ways than that, but somehow -- I don't know. Maybe I just have to meet him. Or maybe I really do suck at reading people.
It's a little pathetic how I meet all these guys online who become interested in me. If I could just transfer that to meeting people in real life, I'd be rockin'! As it is, I'm still pretty much the wallflower that I've always been.
I was thinking today, and a line popped into my head. "I've always acted older than my age." I was trying to analyze this and see if it applied to me, and you know... I think in a lot of ways it does. Up until I was about 15 or 16, I think I've always been mature for my age -- being obedient and understanding and reasonable. Being addicted to the Internet turned me into a typical spoiled teenage brat, but hey -- what can I say, eh? I'm trying hard to be mature again, to look at things with a more compassionate eye. But I admit it -- when it comes to the Internet and "being" with someone I'm interested in online, the Net still comes first. Again, the word "pathetic" pops into mind.
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