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I can't believe so much has happened in two months... it's unbelievable!!! I was just reading over my last couple of entries... boy, do I sound so young and naive and -- dreamy, almost.
I still hurt, knowing that Rage is gone from my life -- it hurts a lot to go onto DalNet and sit there, knowing he's talking to Lady while ignoring me like the plague. God, I love him so much... it hurt so bad last week... last Thursday... when I found out he was leaving me... I felt as if I'd died, and was suffering the pain of death 100 times over...
I still hurt, inside. I guess I'm in one of my better moods now, but God, I wish Randall would talk to me... would come back... no, I won't cry again. I've shed so many tears over that man, it's not even funny.
But it hurts... it just hurts so bad.
I doubt my friends really know about how much anguish I go through over Randall these last few days. Writing some poetry helped, but I still felt the dull ache in me... I keep remembering all the things we said to each other, all the things we've been through together... Nostalgia is bad for you, believe me. I know.
Somehow, I get this feeling that if Lady wasn't there, Randall would've come back by now, or at least, there'd be a helluva lot higher chance of him coming back. Damn but I hate her so much... before, it was just dislike and an uneasy feeling whenever I talked to her. Now, it's downright hostility. I have this terrible, terrible fear that she's going to take him away from me, if she hasn't already...
...
Even now, I mull over how fast I fell in love with him... and it just shocks me. It took 3 days for us to become mates, 5 days for me to realize that I more than liked him, and another month to realize that I was in deep mud, 'cause I'd fallen in love. It happened before I even knew what was happening.
I still remember that first night -- I was so drawn to him... and I still don't know why. God, it was like animal magnetism or something... there was just... something... that attracted me to him so strongly that I was already halfway in love by the end of that night. When I say now that I believe he and I were meant for each other... I'm not joking, and I don't have any reservations about it. How else do I explain the bond between us? Nothing tore us apart for three months... DeathKiss, DarkMoon's death, Naysa... Randall being married with two kids (that still bugs me a bit though)... NOTHING tore us apart...
... until Erica sent him that e-mail, and suddenly, I wasn't Jade anymore. I was a messed up 16-yr-old he felt he had to save by leaving me.
He's done so much more damage by leaving me than anything else he's done during the last 3 months... god, I just want him back...
To top it all off, the hard drive was wiped out on Saturday night/Sunday morning, so I haven't been on for 5 days... it's driving me crazy wondering what Randall's doing... how he is... if Lady snatched him up already...
He disowned me as his mate. He could very well take up Lady as his new mate after this. God, it hurts to think about it...
I love him. I love him so goddamned much... why can't he see that?!
I want him back so much... to see him making his typos again and leaving out punctuation marks... to see him pull out his Cokes and everything... to just see his name...
I used to regret falling in love with him. Not anymore. I have no qualms about loving him... no regrets. While it lasted, he gave me so much love... and peace... and joy. It's ironic though, isn't it, that Jade is a time traveler ic ["in character"], but ooc ["out of character"], I can't do jack to go back in time and make everything right again...
...
I hate junior year. Everything gets packed in here. SAT's, AP's, and one crisis after another.
GODDAMMIT TO HELL AND BACK!!! THIS HURTS SO MUCH!!! I need him... I LOVE HIM... oh god, no... I won't start crying again...
"Time will heal." Fuck Lady. It's been a week, and nothing's changed...
I've tried to bury myself in an active social life... school's out of the question since I can't concentrate on schoolwork anymore... I have done NOTHING homework-wise this past week... I don't have the heart to do anything anymore except to write morbid poetry... morbid or depressing poetry, anyway.
It's funny how much poetry you can write when you've got the right topic to write on... or you've gone off the deep end or something, like me.
...
Dammitall, I wish I was 10 yrs. older. He wouldn't have an excuse then. Yeah... sure... ruining my life, is he? He wasn't before. HE IS NOW!!!
Sometimes, I wish to hell I never gave Erica his e-mail address... I wouldn't be in this depression hole if I hadn't. I'm afraid to admit to myself that I've lost faith in her... she's one of the only ones I talk to about Randall and everything, and she knows more than anyone else, too. I don't want to lose her... but god, I want him back...
It's the thing I want most in the world right now.
I'm pathetic, aren't I? I used to laugh at people who claimed they found love over a computer. You don't see me laughing now.
Every time I think about the situation with Randall now, I get depressed. I get so lonely, and this deep, aching feeling starts up inside of me and doesn't stop until I go to sleep... and even then, I can still feel it...
god, I'm so lonely... depressed... hurting...
I love him. It's that simple... and then, it isn't that simple either.
Sometimes, I wonder if I ought to commit suicide and just let everything go... it would be so much easier... so very much easier... But it's also the coward's way out, and Randall didn't love me because I was a coward.
I just wish I knew for sure if Randall is completely out of my life from now on... Despite what I say, I still harbor this deep-rooted hope that someday, somewhere, he and I will meet in RL ["real life"] and eventually stay together... soulmates for life... it sounds corny, I know, but it is how much I love him and wish we could be together...
Ohio seems like the end of the universe... but I know I won't stick around Southern California for long... unless Randall decides to move, I can find him a few years later... I hope.
I wish to god I wasn't suffering through this miserable time in my life though... damn it hurts... "sometimes love hurts"... ha. Sometimes, it seems as if it hurts all the time...
And then I remember the good times, and I know that in the end, if everything turns out all right, it'll definitely be worth it.
It's what I try to remember when I'm so down and depressed, it seems like I'll die from the pain.