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I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. Big news flash, huh?
I thought that I was going to go into the Communications double major, but now I'm not so sure. Like Mom says -- what's the point? I'm sick enough of school as is, another year of theory essays is going to kill me. But I don't have the confidence to get into grad school. My GPA isn't high enough to meet most entrance requirements.
Do I want to go to grad school? Yes, I think I really do. Columbia's grad program sounded awesome, but of course that's Columbia. It just seems like grad school is where you really get to do the things you want to do, and what I want to do is workshop.
But my writing... God, the last thing I need to do is lose confidence in my writing, but I felt so uninspired this quarter. Screenwriting was fun, but I couldn't work out a decent main plot for my bad guys. And Short Fiction with Freilicher -- I turned in a story I'd already written because I was so uninspired. The bastard story I was writing on just kept falling flat.
If I lose my writing, what do I really have left?
I feel... lost. Like I'm losing all the parts of me that used to give me confidence. I feel like I'm losing my intelligence. I never used to doubt that I was smart enough to muddle through something, until now. I seriously don't know what brought this on -- maybe it's the lack of inspiration this quarter added to my grad school researching and insecurities about Jason.
God, Jason. Another whole can of worms. Actually, it's not really that bad. It's just that we've hardly seen each other at all for the past few weeks, and while I totally miss him, it hardly seems like he misses me. I know this is the "cold, indifferent" attitude that he warned me about, and I know that these sentiments are unfounded -- logically I know he does think of me and cares for me -- but there's this emotional side to it. I need to feel it. And I don't know if I'm feeling it enough from him.
Graduate next year, or double major? Where do I apply for grad school with any kind of hope in getting accepted? What will I do with my life, other than writing? There's so many questions I need to answer for myself, within a very small time frame... it's scary. People advocate taking time off from life during your 20's, but the funny thing is... I wouldn't even know what to do.
Oh wait. Beach. House. Dog. Lemonade. Laptop. Hammock... got it.