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So Y2K came and passed without anything disastrous happening, of course. No great computer crashes, nuclear meltdowns, general rioting, electrical power failures, nothing. It’s a bit disappointing – as Dan lamented – but on the other hand, the alternative really isn’t all that great anyways.
I met Mark. He’s actually a little bit different from what I expected. I mean, I guess I expected someone like Henry – charming, a bit of a jerk, a player, etc etc etc. Of course I barely know this guy for like, less than 24 hours, and most of that I was either sleeping or drunk, but still – shrug, he seems nice enough for now.
But I definitely pick up on that Henryish vibe – social, a bit of a drinker... just something that puts me on guard. He has enough charm of his own and he’s easy and laid back enough to get along with that a lot of times, even now when I’ve just met him, I have to constantly remind myself that I could get my heart trampled on here, but God it’s hard. I hate being so poor a judge of character – I never know what I’m doing, or if what I’m doing is even the right thing to do, ya know? I feel so gauche and naïve and all that shit, it drains me of whatever tremulous form of self-confidence I do have.
I like Mark, for now. But I also talked to Dan today, and reflecting between the two of them, I would probably choose Dan – if he lived in San Diego, of course. It’s probably an unfair judgement to pass this early, but Dan just seems so much safer than Mark is. I mean, Mark is like Henry – experienced, knows what the hell he’s doing, what he wants, and how to get it. Dan is a little bit like me... well, a lot like me. He’s had about the same amount of experience with women that I’ve had with men, so it more or less puts us on equal footing, I guess.
On the other hand, Mark is so much more acessible... he actually lives in San Diego. Sort of, anyways, considering the fact that he just moved here this week and is currently the sole resident of Andy’s couch.
God. At this point and frame of mind though, I think I’m about as likely to fall in love with some bum who walked my way.
I know I have to stop driving myself crazy like this. I keep thinking of Kate Winslet sitting alone in a coffee shop watching the door and the men who step through it like a hawk, wondering if each one was the one for her. That’s the way I feel right now. I mean, I’m not looking for marriage or anything – God knows it’ll be years before I finally do settle down and marry – but God dammit all to hell, I want a freakin’ boyfriend. I want someone I can rely on and trust and be affectionate with and just love. I don’t know how I’ll handle the heartbreak afterwards if he turns out not to be the one I marry, but I would just love one person to occupy my affections right now. This being single thing is starting to get old...
I have one week before school starts, one week to occupy myself. I’m not sure what to do. Lesley and Chris are so totally obviously in need of a private place. Hell, I hightailed it over to Andy and Henry’s so that they could have the apartment to themselves tonight. Sure, it was a convenient if most likely transparent excuse to throw myself at Mark, but what the hey.
I’m looking forward to this next quarter though – 3 writing classes, woo. I’m pretty disappointed with how I handled last quarter. Five classes is a bit much, I know, but without a job I should’ve been able to pass my classes with better than a 2.4 GPA. A 3.0 at least... something I need. God, if financial aid demands I need a 2.5, then I’m screwed anyways. Shit. I forgot about that. Oh boy, that’s a sobering thought. Losing $7,000 by 0.1 pt of a GPA is a bit of a fuck-up, even for me.
Kinda makes all the rest of my troubles seem like the mere gripings of a teenager searching for herself.